I have spent the first half of this year dating every horrible guy out there and now I'm going to tell you allllll about it. So snuggle in my little babies, because things are about to get weird.
As some of you may or may not remember, approximately a year ago I wrote a blog about how I vehemently refused to do online dating. No way, no how, I wasn't going to do it. I considered it desperate and embarrassing and a last ditch effort at finding somebody. Nothing my friends said could convince me otherwise. During this time I even went on to date someone that I met in the real, live world so I was pretty confident that I would have no problem finding someone else when that relationship inevitably ended.
Yeah, I was wrong. Grown men don't run free in the wild like you'd think they would. No no, they apparently are all found behind computer screens and selfies of them on a mountain with their dogs.
So after much consideration I finally started to admit to a few people that I MIGHT be willing to try online dating. It wasn't until I went to my sister's one day and was talking to her about it that I decided to give it a go. My sister said the same thing that everyone else had been saying- there's no harm in trying, it could be fun, etc.- but she was the first person that actually made me believe those things. Plus, let's face it, no matter how old a gal gets, her older sister will always be the coolest person she knows so I will most likely always take her word over most peoples'.
I still had a good amount of hesitance about the whole thing, especially since I had been out of the dating scene for the better part of the past 6 years. I had no idea what I would possibly be getting myself into, but at the very least I thought, hey- it'll make a good story.
So one day in late January, I invited over a friend who had also dabbled in the online dating world. She helped me set up a Match.Com profile and helped me pick out pictures that made me look like a real live girl, and not the chocolate covered slob I usually am. She showed me the ins and outs of messaging and winking and all the awkward little options you have to let someone know you're interesting. Then she warned me that it could be addicting in the beginning, because you'll suddenly be bombarded with guys trying to contact you. I didn't really believe her, but lo and behold, within the hour I was- how do I say this in the most ladylike and least crude way possible- dripping in hypothetical dick.
It was insane. One minute you're sitting there eating a loaf of bread and watching your dog roll around on the floor on a Friday night, and the next you're messaging with some guy who loves Fraggle Rock as much as you do and has a solid 401(K) and reasonable monthly mortgage.
Let me be clear though- the majority of these guy really made you question your decision to try online dating. Between the geriatric gentlemen from central Jersey who "just want to show you a good time", to the 57 year old who sent me a message that said nothing more than, "Can I keep you?", there was just as much bad as there was good, if not more. I mean, if a cartoon ghost can't even say 'can I keep you' without sounding creepy as balls, how did a complete stranger expect to pull it off?
No. No you can't.
Below, I've copied and pasted the bio from my own profile so you can get a sense of how I had chosen to put myself out there. Every once in awhile I would change it up a little or add in a new fact, just to keep things fresh, so what you see is the final version of it before I canceled my account:
"I can be sarcastic at times so I would ideally like
someone who is light-hearted and doesn't take things too seriously. Although
I've never been outside of the country, I have made my way through almost all
of those warm, delicious states down south, and if it wasn't for the fact that
I equally love my job up here I'm pretty sure I would have already moved to
South Carolina by now. I have a dog and
if you're wondering if I talk to him like he's human and let him sit upright in
my lap like a hairy little person, the answer is You Betcha. I'm at the point
in my life where I would like a lasting relationship, so dating without the
possibility of commitment isn't really my thing right now. Also, I don't have long hair anymore but
apparently I haven't taken a good picture in a year, so let's all just work
through that together, shall we?
Here are some fun facts, because everyone loves a
good bullet point list, right?
*Things you will always find in my kitchen: 1-2
large jars of Nutella, a bag of Teriyaki beef jerky, and a forgotten box of
Lucky Charms with all of the marshmallows eaten out of it.
*My mom looks like Linda Belcher from Bob's Burgers
and my dad looks like Dan Auerbach from The Black Keys. They both act accordingly.
*I'm slowly getting better at cooking but there's a
chance I may or may not have ruined instant oatmeal before. Ok, I have.
Multiple times. Let's not talk
about it.
*I'm currently teaching myself how to play the
ukulele. My skill level has recently
improved from "Oh god", to "Hey, maybe one day you'll get the
hang of it!".
*I'm 80-85% certain that my old dog saved Bradley
Cooper from getting a parking ticket a few years ago.
*This is my favorite joke: Helen Keller walks into
a bar. And a table...and a chair.
*Speaking of jokes, no matter how old I get, I will never stop trying to
make a 'That's what she said' joke out of as many situations as I possibly
can. Even if it doesn't come easily. (That's...that's what she said. See what I did there? Line forms to the right boys, current wait
time is zero)."
You would be amazed at how psycho guys went over the comment about my hair. The reason I put it there is because in a lot of my pictures, my hair was still down to my ass, and I just didn't want anybody to think they were talking to Rapunzel or anything. I know a lot of men can be picky about what kind of hair they like on a girl, so I just wanted to make sure they knew it wasn't that super, crazy long anymore. But the way these people reacted was nuts- I would say at least a few times a day I would get someone messaging me saying, "So, exactly how short is your hair now? Like, above your chin?", or "Hey, don't worry, I'm sure your short hair looks ok!". I think some of these guys thought that I had accidentally caught my hair in a wood chipper and was sulking in the depths of my closet until it grew back.
As time went on, it also became abundantly clear that 90% of people's online dating profiles are all exactly the same, and include the following:
- I'm equally as willing to get dressed up for a night out on the town as I am to stay home and snuggle on the couch watching Netflix
- I love hiking, exercising regularly, anything outdoors, and going to Phillies games with my friends
- I love my dog/cat/bird/sea monkies, so sorry ladies, if you're not down with Fido I'm not down with you
- I want a girl who is just as comfortable putting on a dress as she is putting on a pair of sweatpants
- I currently live in Conshy and work for a big firm- it's hard work but rewarding!
- I've traveled to lots of countries and can't wait to get back out there! Looking for a partner to see the world with!
- I'm kind of a beer snob
- I'm looking for a girl who works out and strives to be healthy
- I strive to see the humor in everything! Life is a gift!
The one thing that absolutely drove me crazy though, is the whole selfie thing. No sooner would you exchange numbers than they would start sending you uninvited pictures. Pictures of them, pictures of their dinner, pictures of their buddies wedding that was a 'freakin blast'. I did not ask for these pictures. I did not want these pictures. Especially because at the time my phone was older than dirt, and anytime anyone sent me one, my phone would start fizzling and turn itself off. These guys would of course ask for a picture back, and you would be surprised as how angry they get when you tell them no. One reason was because my phone literally didn't take pictures, and they couldn't comprehend anyone not having a smart phone in the year 2015, and another reason is because I've never taken a selfie before and I don't plan on starting anytime soon.
This is what all selfies look like to me.
What I have decided to do is compile a list of my worst, funniest, and most ummmm,what?! dating horror stories, simply for your enjoyment. And maybe also so it seems like there was a reason for all the madness. I'm hoping this doesn't come across as me just bashing these guys, because that isn't my intent. Well, maybe it is for a couple of them. But rest assure that code names will be designated, and any necessary guys have been de-friended from Facebook so they don't accidentally stumble across this blog and see me writing some not-so-desirable things about them.
So without further ado, please move onto Part 2 of this lengthy blog to hear about Alexis' Shenanigans in Dating World.
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