This One Time, In Key West... (PART THREE - IT'S RAINING POOP)

Sunday morning.

Beach Day.

But first, breakfast.

We went to Blue Heaven, as Jil had been there before and I had a couple of people from work suggest it.  It's a really cute outdoor place with a rustic, islandly feel and chickens and roosters walking around.  In fact, there were roosters all over Key West- they're its version of squirrels.

We sat and we waited.  We finally ordered our coffee and we waited.  We finally ordered our food and we waited.  The food was good, but the rest of us should have taken Claudia's advice and just substituted the various omelet fillings with more meat and cheese.  We were about halfway through our meal, when we noticed something wet drip down from the sky, straight onto the chair in between Claudia and I that held our purses and sweatshirts.  Then more stuff came down, a little more forcefully and with a slightly brownish tint.

"Is, is that...poop?"

No sooner had this question been asked then a GLOB OF CHICKEN DIARRHEA FELL FROM THE HEAVENS AND SPLAT DOWN IN BETWEEN ME AND CLAUD'S COFFEE MUGS.

Everyone stopped.  Everyone stared.

"Did it get on our stuff?" Jil asked, almost afraid to say the question out loud.

I looked over and saw brown spots on everything.

"YUP", I yelled and stood up, frantically looking up and around for a safe place to stand.

We tried to get our waitresses attention but she was awful and just kept walking past.  Finally Claudia was able to grab her eye.

"Hi, yes," Claud said as the girl casually sauntered over, "Yes, um, we just got SHIT ON".

"Oh no," the waitress said, looking down at the glob of pure poultry evil spreading across the table, "Did it get on you?"

"It got all over our stuff." I told her.

"I'm so sorry.  I'll send a busboy over right away."

It took the busboy about ten minutes to show up, and he lazily threw some napkins on the table.  Then the manager came over and literally chuckled and said, "Well that hasn't happened in awhile".

In awhile?  IN AWHILE?  If we wanted to get shit on we would just stand outside in Pennsylvania and let a pigeon's digestive system have its way with us.

I went to the bathroom to reevaluate my life, and when I returned the girls informed me that they took some money off of our check (which didn't matter because they overcharged us for other things), and apparently we were each going to get a free t-shirt from the gift shop.  While picking out our shirts, a woman came in and told us that we could only get 2 free shirts between the 4 of us, and I immediately became the kind of customer that I hate, and instructed her to go talk to her manager again because either we're all getting free shirts, or we're just leaving.  She came back and said we could all get one, so we all picked out ugly stupid shirts from their ugly stupid gift shop.

We went back to the hotel and I ran my sweatshirt underneath water in the bathtub and then hung it to dry.  Funny thing about tropical weather though- air drying is impossible.

We soldiered on and went to the beach.  I'm obsessed with palm trees and to be on a beach that had them everywhere was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.  And the water was warm.  And clear.  I never knew such luxury existed.  We lounged and read and then noticed it was starting to look like rain so we drove back to the hotel and sat in a cabana by the pool.  It was here that I noticed all of the iguanas.

Hello Lover

 Here's the thing.  Not much scares me in terms of animals.  You can cover me in snakes and rats and scorpions and it wouldn't bother me.  You could throw hypodermic needles my way and it would just be another day at the Jersey Shore.  But something about iguanas...no no no.  Iguanas will leap through the air like a Jurassic gazelle and EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF.

These assholes were everywhere.  Walking by the pool.  Sleeping on the island IN the pool.  One waited for a lady to get up out of her lounge chair before strolling over, hopping up on it, and making himself at home.  There was one in the grass behind my chair that kept getting closer, and every time I made eye contact with it, I swear it grinned and licked its lips.  Carol finally had to shoo it away before I went into cardiac arrest.

Jurassic Park 6: Terror in the Keys

As per usual, it started raining again, so we went upstairs and climbed into bed.  A couple of hours later we got dressed again and went out for our last night in Florida.  Our first stop was Mallory Square, where every night there was a sunset festival.  Except for that night apparently.  There was one weird guy with a cat who had bald spots from stress (the guy and the cat), and after standing there for a minute and getting a stranger to take a full length picture of us (the one downside of the selfie stick), we moved on to dinner.

We DO have legs!

We went to another cute outdoor place for dinner, where Jil and Carol had delicious burgers and Claudia and I had dreadfully disappointing crab cakes and quesadillas.  After eating we hopped around to a couple of bars, including one that had dollar bills stapled all over every inch of it.  There was an alligator in a glass case at the back of the place, so we jumped up next to it to take a picture.  A foreign man with a staple gun joined in, and while I don't remember exactly what he was saying, I do remember being worried about the combination of his blood alcohol level and heavy duty office supplies.

One sneeze from this guy and we all would have staples in our heads

Then we wandered around some more and went into a bar called The Bull.  Jil went to the bathroom and when she came back she informed us that there was a clothing optional bar upstairs.  She seemed grossed out by it, but at the mention of 'clothing optional', Claudia and I looked at each other and raised our fists in the air.

"PENIS!" we shouted, with the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning.

Carol looked at us. "A guy from work said to not go up to the Garden of Eden".

"PENIS." Claudia and I said again, this time as a fact, not an exclamation.

We went up to the second floor and noticed everybody was clothed.  Well this didn't seem right.  Then Claudia noticed another set of stairs with a sign next to it that said No Cell Phones.

"This must be it", she said.

"Hooray!" I yelled, running up the stairs and preparing myself for some naked tourists.

The Garden of Eden is a rooftop deck with towels on the benches and a closed off space on the side where you can get your whole body painted.  Two middle aged women were in there getting painted and they looked amazing.  Two completely naked men were shaking literally everything on the dance floor to "Shut Up and Dance".  Every man in there was naked, all the women were clothed.  We stood and looked around, not sure how long of a glance we could give any given person, and I wondered where people put their clothes.  Were there lockers?

As I was wondering this, a guy with a Welsh accent came up to me and asked what was going on.  Apparently he had been downstairs with his mother and grandfather and someone had told him to check out upstairs.  They just didn't tell him about the clothing optional part.  He was scared and confused and I took that opportunity to ask him about my guilty pleasure British reality show, The Only Way is Essex.  After telling me that the cast 'were all wankers, every single one', we all went back downstairs and we helped his family get an Uber home.  We watched their car pull up and immediately drive away.  We watched it drive by again.  Claudia looked at her phone and it said that the guy had picked up his passengers.  They were just the wrong passengers.  Unable to cancel the trip, Claud tried calling the driver but he hung up on her.  Then Jil took the phone and texted the guy.

'You have the wrong passengers.  We tried calling you.  Cancel the trip. 
Make it happen.  We're walking.'

A moment later Claudia got a confirmation that the trip was canceled.

Boom.

We ended the night at another bar and were all exhausted and realized we had stayed out too late.  Back to the hotel we went, with Jil's and my bags still smelling faintly of rooster.