The Cast:
Jil: Key West aficionado and mother to the shmooshiest little girl you ever did meet.
Claudia: Brave as hell, bruises like a peach; had the foresight to pack a power strip, medicine for tummies, nerves, sleep, etc., as well as sunscreen with an SPF so high it would prevent a burn even if you were sitting on the sun itself.
Carol: Hardcore on the outside, heart of gold on the inside. Hates carrying a bag and loves a good steak.
Alexis: Your faithful storyteller who always has to pee.
The Tale:
We've known each other for years- the longest being 25 years, the shortest being 15. Still, the four of us have never gone away on vacation together. Sure, we've talked about trips; but then moving and relationships and babies and jobs began keeping us busy. It wasn't until a few months ago when Jil and I were sitting on my porch- drowning our respective sorrows in wine- that we decided to just do it. Jil goes to Key West every year and had racked up a bunch of airline miles and hotel savings, so we texted Claud and Carol on the spot, figured out the one weekend that worked for everyone, and before you knew it everything was booked.
Easy, right? The sign of a stress free getaway, right? RIGHT?!
The morning of vacation arrived. Jil slept over my place the night before, and Carol slept over Claudia's. As our alarm went off at 4am, I rolled out of bed and told Jil to brace herself because I was going to turn on the light.
"NOOOOO", she moaned form beneath the covers.
"It's the only way", I replied, flicking on the switch. I was halfway through the living room when I heard Jil yell out, "GAHHHH, YOU WHORE!!!".
Apparently Carol didn't have it much better at Claudia's house, as Claud programmed her alarm to automatically turn on all the lights when it goes off.
Everything aside, Claud and Carol arrived at my apartment at 4:30 and we drove to the airport. It has become a running joke that Claudia always gets searched by the TSA. I'm convinced it's because they see a pretty blonde with boobs for days, but who can really say. We arrived at the airport, checked our bags, and then walked to the end of the longest line I had ever seen in my life. This thing zigged, this thing zagged, this thing reached all the way down to the end of the airport. Fortunately it moved pretty quickly and as we went through the metal detectors, for the first time in a long time Claudia was spared a pat down, a finger printing, and a general caressing by a uniformed government official. We took this as a sign that, again, this trip was going to go off without a hitch.
We were in high spirits and we grabbed some breakfast and waited to be boarded. We watched the sun rise over the Philly skyline, and even Carol admitted it looked pretty. As we got on the plane, Jil mentioned she preferred the aisle seat, and no one seemed to want the window seat so I happily obliged. I've only flown three other times in my life, the last time being seven years ago. The first leg of our trip was fine, even though we now had a layover in Atlanta because the airline we chose, while cheap, is also an asshole and changed our nonstop flight to a direct flight. So while we had a layover, we just got back on the same plane.
The plan was to land in Ft. Lauderdale around noon and then drive our rental car down to Key West, getting there sometime between 3 and 4 o'clock.
That was the plan.
As we approached Ft. Lauderdale I remember looking out the window and thinking how pretty the clouds looked. It was like a quilt of white, with what looked like little kernels of puffy popcorn popping up here and there. I took a picture to remember it because it just seemed so peaceful and still.
 |
| Moments before all hell broke loose |
As we began our descent, we heard the wheels go down, which is always Jil's favorite sound because she hates flying. But then it got very dark. The plane started shaking and for a split second I forgot that I was in the sky because I'm so accustomed to any bumpiness being from the road while I'm in a car. On the ground. Where humans are supposed to be.
The shaking intensified and as if on cue, everyone in the plane threw out their arms and braced themselves on the seat in front of them. It felt like we were in a snow globe and some maniacal, shitty little kid was shaking it with all of his might.
After what was maybe 2 or 3 minutes- which is a lifetime in turbulence years- we straightened out. Carol reached for her air sickness bag, "just in case".
The pilot came on the speaker and told us that there was bad weather around the airport and visibility was down to zero. Air traffic control wouldn't allow any planes to land, so the pilot told us we were going to circle one more time and then land.
It felt like the plane went sideways and we circled around the storm. Almost immediately we were caught in another bought of turbulence, only this time a much longer, much more violent bought. I heard a woman scream and looked over to find that it was Jil. Tears were streaming down her face as Carol stuffed her face into her barf bag. My immediate response- due to my severe fear of anything having to do with throw up- was to put my hood up, close my eyes, and plug my fingers in my ears, as poor Carol was thrown around like a rag doll next to me, desperately trying to keep her lunch down.
The only way that I can truly try to describe the whole situation is to relate it to those scenes in TV and movies; the ones right before the plane goes down.
I've noticed that as I've grown older, I tend to feel more calm than anything else when faced with a scary or dangerous situation. As I sat there with my head down and my ears covered, everything in my head went kind of silent and I remember trying to figure out if I was scared or not. I remember thinking about Kirby and thinking about Matt, and thinking about how if something did happen, I would never get to get married or have babies. I thought about who I would call if we did go down, and I decided on Matt. The idea of calling my mom made me feel too sad.
We finally straightened out again and as I was opening my eyes I heard Jil say, "Fuck you, Claudia". I looked over to see Claudia laughing and taking a picture of us (remember when I said she was brave?). Here are the two pictures she took, the first of which shows the intensity of the shaking, as she couldn't even hold her camera still, and the second shows Jil mid "fuck you". These of course aren't the most flattering pictures and by no means convey the sheer violence of what we just went through, but they give the general idea:
 |
| Still able to throw out a good 'ol Fuck You, even in the midst of a crisis |
At this point we had no idea where in the sky we were, how close to the ground we were, if we were ascending or descending, or what was happening. Nobody was telling us anything. I lifted up the window shade just a crack and saw that we were close enough to the ground that I could actually see people walking around. Getting in their cars, casually strolling into a store; people below going about their every day lives, with their feet wallowing in the luxury of pavement and grass.
'We're going to land,' I thought to myself as I closed the shade and wiped my absolutely sweat-drenched hands on my pants. Seconds later, the plane began to shake again. Not as bad as the second time, but worse than the first time. All of a sudden- and I know that sounds like a cliche phrase but there is really no other way to put it- our plane shot straight up into the air with more force than I have ever felt before. It felt like our backs were completely parallel to the ground and in no more than a few seconds, we went from being a couple of miles from the ground, to high above the clouds. We all clutched onto the seats in front of us once again, as Carol and her bag resumed position. I laid my forehead against my arm and just started to cry. I don't often cry in public, as I am one of those people who likes to keep everything bottled up inside until I can unfairly erupt in a fit of anger and tears on some poor soul who had nothing to do with it.
I was so frustrated and just could not believe that we were doing this again. One time was scary, two times was terrifying, three times was unbearable.
The plane righted itself and we continued on in silence, still not sure where we were going or what the pilot was doing. There were no announcements, no available stewardesses (as they were all strapped in for dear life at the front and back of the plane), nothing.
Then it got sunny.
After what I would guess was maybe twenty minutes, our pilot finally came over the intercom and told us that we couldn't land, so we were heading up to Orlando. UP. Not the navigational direction any of us wanted to be going.
"I knew it," Jil said, "It got too sunny. I knew he was taking us to freaking Orlando".
The pilot also told us that we needed to refuel, since he apparently used it all up CIRCLING THE SEVENTH LEVEL OF HELL THREE TIMES.
We flew to Orlando, landed, and were told to stay on the plane as they filled out paperwork and figured out what they were supposed to do. Then they listed off all of the connecting flights that fellow passengers had now missed. Everyone got on their phones to call people and let them know they would not be meeting them in Ft. Lauderdale. The girl in front of me told the person on the other end of her phone that she was in Orlando.
"No, I didn't land in Orlando," she said in frustration, "the PLANE landed in Orlando".
We sat and we sat. We sat for close to an hour with no announcements, no water, no food. Everyone got up to stretch and a line for the bathroom formed, with two of the stewards manning the door.
"Just out of curiosity," Jil asked one of them, "What's the worst flight you guys have ever been on?"
"We've been at this job for ten years," he said, "and this is the worst flight we've ever been on".
Soon after, Claudia and I were talking to one of the guys. He was pissed.
"I don't know why we didn't just fly straight back up to Orlando after the first time. Instead he circled three times and put us through all of that".
Back at our seats, the four of us girls tried to devise a game plan.
"Let's just rent a car here and drive," Jil said, as she did not want to be on an airplane for another minute. We considered this until Claudia brought up a good point-
"All of our shit is checked in the bottom of this plane. If we drive, we'll have to wait at the Ft. Lauderdale airport for this plane to finally arrive with our bags, if it ever even does arrive."
"I don't care about my shit", Jil said.
Carol and I looked at each other.
"I kind of care about my shit," I whispered to her. She nodded. "I like my shit." she whispered back.
Our pilot of the year (although I do realize he was just following instructions), came back on overhead and told us that we would be trying Ft. Lauderdale one more time, we still just had to sit tight, but at the moment the weather looked to be clearing up.
"THEN LET'S GO NOW!" the plane practically shouted in unison.
There was a bachelorette party in front of us that was heading to Miami. They got up, grabbed their bags from the overhead compartments, and announced, "We're making this a road trip ladies!"
As Jil urged us to make this a road trip as well, the rest of us pointed out that an hour plane ride was better than a 15 hour car ride, and what were the chances of there being turbulence again? And if there was, we had gotten through the worst- literally the next thing would be for us to crash and die and we wouldn't remember that anyway.
We had all gotten slightly delirious at this point.
A few minutes later the bachelorette party climbed back on board the plane.
"I cornered a lady and told her it was bullshit that nobody was telling us anything, and she promised me that we're landing," said the spokesperson of the group, who still managed to have a perfect bun and face of makeup on. They sat down as the pilot's voice appeared once again and told us that we were going to take off soon, it was going to be a bumpy ride, and that the entire crew would have to remain seated and strapped in throughout the duration of the flight.
I took out my phone and texted Matt.
'Taking off again. Very scared to fly. I love you.'
Just in case anything horrible did happen, I needed him to know that.
About an hour later, and just a few small spots of shakes and bumps, we landed at our destination and the entire plane erupted in cheers and applause.
After getting off of the plane, we bypassed baggage and went straight outside to fresh air, where we saw fellow passengers from our flight shakily chain smoking. Eventually we went back inside, got our bags, and headed over to the shuttle that would take us to the car rental place. We just missed one as we walked up. Then it started raining a little bit, as we waited and waited and waited for the next shuttle. I heard the lady behind me say that never in her life has she ever had to wait for one; they're supposed to come right after the other. Finally one arrived, as well as a line of buses behind it. We got to the car place, and finally were on our way. The only problem is that it was now 5:00 on a Friday on Florida's main turnpike (remember when we were supposed to be in Key West by 3:00?)
We sat in traffic. Then we moved a little. Then we sat. Then we moved. Then we realized that nobody in Florida uses turn signals, and they all think it's a jolly old time to cut people off. Then we sat.
Finally we got off the turnpike and pulled into the first fast food place that we saw for some Road Nuggets. We walked into Burger King and Claudia went to open the bathroom door, not realizing the cleaning lady was inside. The lady dropped something and it made a loud noise, and Claudia jumped out of her fucking skin. Our plane falling from the goddam sky had no effect on her, but a tiny Floridian custodian nearly did her in.
 |
| Road Nugs: Washing away the memories of aerial terror since the Wright Brothers |
We got back in the car, not even caring that, according to the GPS, our 3 hour car ride was now going to be a 5-6 hour car ride. No sooner had we hit the road than the skies opened up and more water than you could ever imagine feverishly poured down upon our poor, weary souls. All you could see were the taillights in front of you- you couldn't even pull over because it was impossible to tell where 'over' was.
We drove and we drove. It rained and it didn't. We drove some more. It rained some more. We all wanted a beer. Carol stated that if she didn't get a steak she was going to kill someone.
We didn't doubt her.
At 9:30 that night, we finally arrived at our hotel, after 17 straight hours of travel. Carol got her steak. We got our beers. Later in bed Carol started hysterically laughing, then slightly crying, then laughing again because she could not believe what we had just gone through. That night we slept better than any of us had in years.
Welcome to Key West, bitches.
 |
| The first picture we took that day, around 5:30am or so. Look how fresh faced and naive we were. Fools, every single one of us |
 |
| Us as we arrived in our hotel room. Notice our near lifeless eyes and weathered, aged faces. Yay vacation? |
No comments:
Post a Comment