Here's A Shirt, There's The Door

Ok, I'm sorry, but when the hell did clothing become a parting gift? I remember when a guy would give you something from him drawer as an unspoken sign that he wanted you around. You know, maybe you've only been seeing each other for a month and you've slept at his place just a few times. Then one night he asks you to stay over and as he does so, he reaches into his dresser, pulls out a t-shirt, and says "Here, you can wear this. You can just keep it if you want".

This meant you were in.

Same goes for sweatpants while the two of you are lounging around on a Sunday, or a hoodie when it's freezing outside but you still are trying to impress him so you wear tiny cute little shirts that are completely inappropriate for the weather. You would take these items and bring them home and wear them to bed every night. You would breath in his scent that was left on them; cologne, fabric softener. You would go as long as possible without washing them because that would rid the clothes of any traces of him. And, if the relationship ended, you would either keep them as a reminder of him, stashing the shirt and sweatpants in the very back of your closet, or you would throw them at his face in rage, telling him never to call you again.

But now. NOW it's a whole different story. T-shirts have become a consolation prize. A hey-you're-cool-and-all-but-I'm-going-to-give-you-this-shirt-and-then-never-call-you-again.

What.

The.

Hell .

The following story may wind up being embarrassing for me, especially if everyone reading this ends up thinking, "Uh, Lex? This doesn't happen to everyone. It's just you. Better luck next time slugger".

Here it goes anyway: The last two guys I have dated (and I use to term 'dated' loosely because they were really just casual, semi-exclusive type deals) have followed the same exact pattern. We meet, things go great, yadda yadda yadda, then one day they give me a shirt. Example A literally gave me the shirt off his back while we were out on his deck one night. He was in the military (shocker, right?) and he was wearing his PT shirt which I happen to think is one of the sexiest things a guy can have on his body. And he knew this. He noticed I was shivering because even though it was the middle of summer, my body temperature betrays me on a regular basis. He asks if I want his shirt, I ask if he'll be cold, he says no and takes it off, handing it to me. But not before doing a douchy little flex and checking out his so-so muscles. Then he asks me if I want to see a movie that weekend, to which I agree. The shirt smells like him and I wear it to bed that night and I never hear from him again. Movie shmovie.

Now, Example B is a bit of a different story. I was over his apartment, sitting on his bed while he emptied out his drawers, looking for clothes to give away. I was surrounded by piles of clothing that could best be described as 'bro-wear'. This should have been my first clue to never date this guy to begin with, but there were a couple things that kept me around regardless. Anyway, he threw one shirt over his shoulder and it landed in front of me. I picked it up, it was just a regular grey t-shirt with the words Venice Beach printed on the front, and it looked just about my size. I mentioned that I liked it and he said, "Consider it yours". No muss, no fuss, he was getting rid of it anyway. I talked to him one more time after that before he disappeared into the abyss of ex-boyfriends/hookups/best friends.

So my question is, why the hell do you think I want your shirt if you're just going to turn around and dart in the opposite direction? Keep your shirt, keep your hoodie, keep your unimpressive attempt at a six-pack.

And if ya'll could just pretend that I'm not the only person this has happened to, that would be swell :)