100

This is my 100th entry.  I had started to write this whole ridiculous spiel akin to an awards ceremony acceptance speech thanking this person and that person, but due to recent events in my personal life, I decided to change my tune.  Instead I want to write about the culmination of these past 99 entries:  My not-so-subconscious quest to find The One.

The fact of the matter is, we don't know who we're going to end up with.  When you begin dating someone, especially once you hit a certain age, our impulse is to wonder and/or hope that this could be "The One".  But really, you could be with someone for years - maybe you even make them your husband or wife - and they still may not be the right person for you.

I have had two men look me straight in my eyes and say, "I'm going to marry you".  Am I married to either one of them?  Nope.  Not even a little bit.  Did I really want to marry either one of them?  The first guy- No.  The second guy?  With every single micro-fiber of my being.

Even so, we all know it didn't work out that way.  Life went on- because it had to.

My most recent boyfriend had every quality I could have hoped for in a husband.  The way he treated me was off the charts.  Granted, compared to how I had been treated in the past, the simple fact that he acknowledged my existence was a monumental step up.  But all of that aside, this guy is a spectacular person and whoever is lucky enough to end up with him better count her lucky stars every single day.  Maybe even twice a day.

Sometimes it's frustrating to feel like you've gone through relationship after relationship, just to constantly find yourself back at square one.  There have been times when I've almost felt embarrassed that I've fallen in true love twice; been so close to marriage twice.  Started planning a future with someone, twice.

But then I think, I shouldn't feel embarrassed.  I should feel lucky.  An acquaintance (and yes, ex-boyfriend) of mine is currently going through a divorce.  I saw him a few months ago and he expressed his obviously less than great feelings towards the whole situation.  I thought about it and this is what I told him,

"Don't ever regret your time together.  True, it didn't work out and that's awful.  But you got to love someone with all your heart for three years.  You had a chance to truly be with the woman of your dreams, even if it was only for a short while.  Just because she's not the person you were meant to end up with doesn't mean she wasn't the person you were supposed to be with at that moment."

If only I had told myself that after each of my own personal heartbreaks, I would have saved myself a lot of pain.  I got to be IN LOVE more than once.  I got to feel that, and that's amazing.  When my first love and I ended, I never thought I would be able to experience that again.  But I did, and even stronger than before.  And when that ended, I felt hopeless again.  But then, an extremely painful year and a half later, I met someone amazing and although I didn't fall IN love, I loved him very, very much.  I still do. And even though the timing wasn't right for us, our short but beautiful relationship restored our faith in a lot of things.

So fall in love as many times as you're meant to.  There's nothing more natural in the world.

You never know who you're going to end up with in the end.  Maybe it's someone you already know but never looked at in "that way".  Maybe it's someone you've already dated and one day you'll find each other again.  Or maybe it's someone you've never met, someone you could find tomorrow, or next month, or next year.  But they're out there and they're heading towards you as fast as they can.