I'm Gonna Need Another Shot If You Want Me To Bat My Eyelashes

It's no secret that flirting is a completely subjective concept. Everyone has their own way of doing it and receiving it (insert sex joke here...). But here's my question:

When did flirting get so stressful?

When we were younger and just realizing that looking at a person who peaked our interest made our faces all hot and our doo-dads go haywire, we thought that flirting was as simple as the following:

Girl: "Hiiiii, hee hee, you tooootally look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas!"

Boy: "Hey, uhh, I just got a Turbo Super Soaker."

Girl: "So cool!"

HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE IF IT WAS ACTUALLY LIKE THAT?!

But nooo; we have to deal with intentional flirting and unintentional flirting and crossing the line flirting and oh-shit-he-has-a-girlfriend-but-I-didn't-find-out-till-mid-flirt flirting. Should we explore all of these options a bit more? You know I love a good list followed by some all over the place explanation.

Ok, so first we have the intentional flirting. This is when you meet someone and there's that instant attraction, so you break out the best, most interesting facts about yourself, embellish the living hell out of them, and then pretend to be interested in what the other person is saying. Eventually the dominant participant in the flirtation will reach over and make some sort of physical contact with the other participant, and that's when you get the goosebumps and suddenly it's hard to spit out the next 7-10 words. So you look down and see their hand on your leg and then you mumble words that don't exist in the English language, or any other language for that matter, and this all leads to either exchanging numbers or making out in the parking lot before one of you runs away before being roped into giving your digits.

Unintentional flirting is when you're at, let's say, a bar, and you meet someone and aren't really blown away by them, but they seem nice enough. So you engage in what you think is harmless conversation, until the person walks away and your friends turn to you and squeal "Oh my god, you guys were tooootally flirting!!!!" You act incredulous, look around, and down your beer in 5 seconds flat.

Crossing the line flirting is exactly that- crossing the line. I'll give you this example from just last night:

A friend and I were at our local dirty little dive bar, and due to the marathon of Philly sports being broadcast, it was filled with drunk, middle-aged men desperately trying to escape their wives. Or should I say, their wives kicked them out to the bar because they didn't feel like dealing with their hairy, sweaty, drunk asses. So at one point, this guy in a Flyers jersey and matching hat comes up to us and simultaneously started line dancing and sneaking into our conversation. Within the next ten minutes, he asks us if we throw up in the bathroom after we eat and if we live in cardboard boxes under a bridge, and then throws a dollar bill at us. Then he tells us about his "place down the shore" which started as a condo, then went to a regular beach house, then turned into a halfway house, before he finally admitted that he was lying. As if we couldn't figure it out. He ended the night by coming up to us again and asking when "we" were going back to his box, to which I asked, "Uhh, what do you mean we?" To which HE answered, "You're right, I want to visit your girls' box."

Aaaannnddd, this is crossing the line flirting. Simple.

The last type of flirting, the one where you find out you're hitting on someone who is not in fact single, is just awkward. Sometimes you get all the way through the flirtation before someone pulls you aside and lets you in on the secret. Other times you're mid-flirt before the other person is like, "Oh yeah, I heard that movie was great! Me and my girlfriend have been meaning to go see it!" To which you answer, "Oh, cool! Yeah, me and my very serious, long-term, live-in boyfriend that totally exists want to see it too. Can I have a shot? A double perhaps?"

Whatever way you cut it, I miss the days when flirting was harmless fun, instead of a do-or-die situation that could change the outcome of a potential relationship. I know this isn't always the case, but we're going to pretend it is in order to give this whole entry a purpose :)