So, without further ado, I present to you:
~*~*~Monica's Fairy Tale Wedding~*~*~
Most girls grow up with the same dream- waking up on their wedding day, slipping into a long white dress adorned with delicate lace or flashy crystals or a never ending row of buttons down the back. Carefully draping the flowing handmade veil that thirty blind Austrian nuns worked on around the clock before a good twenty five of them dropped from exhaustion (but it was WORTH it) over their face. Linking arms with their father before walking down the aisle of the church, flanked on either side by all of their family and friends, as they approach the one they love. Their soul mate, waiting at the end of the aisle, smiling and wiping away a single tear as their girl- their WIFE- approaches them to begin the first day of the rest of their lives.
But not Monica. No no, not our girl. Monica knows what she wants. She knows what her perfect wedding will be. And what that is- of course- is an intimate ceremony at a Beef & Beer in Detroit.
The stained elegance of the low-cut blue carpet contrasts beautifully against the wood paneled walls as Monica slips on her fanciest jeans and the "Beef: Good, Beer: Better" t-shirt that she purchased at the bar of the establishment. She and her beau, let's call him "T", have decided that in lieu of guests, all they wished for were the well wishes of their loved ones, and approximately 80-85% of the gifts they had registered for. Pre-postaged shipping boxes available upon request.
A few days earlier, Monica had called me up asking if I would mind getting ordained in order to perform the ceremony. I of course obliged and soon came to find that all it takes to hold the responsibility of joining two people in holy matrimony is a quick Internet search, $30, and a security question asking what my first goldfish's favorite color was. (The answer was silver. Oh the irony).
As the bride prepared to walk down the aisle, I stood next to T as he waited for his favorite lady to make her way on over.
"Nervous?" I asked him.
"Nah." he answered.
Suddenly a thought crossed my mind that sent panic down my spine.
"Wait a minute," I said, glancing around before looking at T. "Don't you need a witness?"
The color drained out of T's face as he realized the legal detail they had forgotten. But then, as if the wedding gods were listening, the doors that led to the Beef & Beer's kitchen opened and out walked a shadowy figure in a cloud of white, fluffy, ethereal smoke (probably from the four truckers that were sitting in the corner puffing away on their American Spirits- which are the only cigarettes available in Detroit because, well, it's Detroit).
T and I squinted as we tried to make out this white knight that had somehow stumbled upon this moment to save the day.
"Is that...?" T asked, astonished.
"It couldn't be..." I answered, sure that our eyes were playing tricks on us.
But it was. Standing before us was none other than TV's Josh Byrne- otherwise known as the youngest brother on the 90's smash hit, Step by Step.
"Hey." Josh said, looking around.
"Heyyy." T and I replied in cautious unison.
There was no time to ask questions as to why he was there. Truth be told, the answer probably wold have killed the vibe of this otherwise joyous day. T leaned forward, grabbed Josh Byrne by the arm, and pulled him over to stand beside him. Josh didn't seem phased by this and stuck his hands in his pockets as the kitchen doors reopened and Monica stepped into view.
As T and I broke out into a stunningly romantic beat box that we had secretly been practicing every Wednesday night from 6:30-7:15 for the past six months, Monica weaved her way through the pool tables and counter top hot dog machines, finally arriving to face T.
I began the ceremony and as Monica and T faced each other to recite their vows, I reached into the pocket of my robe and pulled out a pork chop that I had swiped form the buffet at brunch. As I listened to the words of love my two friends were proclaiming to each other, I thought about how special this moment was as I housed that pork chop with my bare hands. Napkins are for men of the cloth, not women of the beef.
The ceremony ended with a kiss and then it was onto the reception where we had arranged for a caricaturist to entertain the bar patrons. As it turned out, this particular artist solely drew sketches based around a Lion King theme, but the picture of T standing on the edge of a cliff holding Monica up for all of the African savanna to see was beautiful enough to bring a tear to your eye.
The night concluded with a round of questionably cooked kabobs and dusty bottles of Coors Light, which Monica opened with her teeth- a talent not even T knew she possessed. The things you learn in marriage, am I right?
As Josh Byrne and I stood on the front steps of Detroit's 5th finest Beef & Beer, we waved goodbye to the blissfully happy bride and groom as they rode off into the sunset on a tandem bike we had found out by the trash cans. The wedding had been a breathtaking success and there was no doubt that Monica and T would be endlessly happy as they traveled through life together, step by step.
*~* The End *~*
