So, without further ado, here is my Flat-Chested Checklist. Pull up a chair, snuggle in with your favorite training bra, and enjoy:
1) It's a known fact that the vast majority of women have different sized breasts. In fact, it is usually the left one that is bigger. Since almost every lady deals with this, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. However, this asymmetry is significantly more noticeable on a smaller bust. Since we pretty much don't have enough boob for there to be any droopage, everything is right there, in peoples' eyeline, where they can very visibly see that Lefty is bigger than Righty, and therefore has a circumference that comes down lower on our chest. It's like our boobs are winking at you.
2) On a similar note, it is damn near impossible to find a bra that fits properly. Aside from the fact that you can pretty much forget about finding anything sexy in an AA or A cup, the main problem is that usually, one of your boobs IS an AA while the other is an A. So now you have 2 choices: Get a bra that fits the smaller boob, therefore suffocating your larger one, or get one that fits your bigger tater tot, leaving the smaller one just hanging out in the open because the cup juts out an inch from your actual body. Don't try bending over or letting anyone see you from the side, because all they're going to see if your whole. entire. booblet.
3) We may not have a chest, but we do have a butt, leaving us looking like an upside down question mark.
4) If you're as unlucky enough as I am to have a mammoth sized ribcage run in your family, you have the absolute delight of having two bony bumps stick out significantly farther than your lady lumps.
5) Oh, you want to wear something strapless? Sorry, strapless bras don't stay up when there's NOTHING TO KEEP THEM THERE.
6) I'm kind of tall, so I need my shirts a little longer. Unfortunately, clothing designers don't really accommodate this, leading to a whole lot of extra material up top.
7) What's cleavage?
8) There's no better feeling than being at a bar with your large-breasted friends, and having a guy completely ignore your existence. Oh, did I say "better"? I meant kill me now.
9) Medically speaking, one day I asked my mom how in the hell a doctor would ever be able to get my breast in a mammogram machine. She just laughed evily and said, "Oh honey...they find a way...". Then she walked away and kept laughing.
10) If you're bloated, forget about it. With nothing up top to balance out your stomach, you might as well take advantage of those parking spots for expectant mothers.
11) On a more serious note, although I have come to a peaceful place with my chest and wouldn't change anything, it took a long time to feel good about myself. You always hear that "real women have curves", and for those of us who don't simply because we weren't built that way, it's difficult not to have moments where you don't feel like a real woman.
So, in conclusion, for all of my unsung flat-chested warriors out there- let's be proud of what nature forgot to give us! And also remember the best advice my mom ever gave me: "Alexis (feel free to insert your own name, but if you want to use mine that's cool too), never wear a padded bra because one day, a guy is gonna take it off and get one hell of a disappointing surprise".
