Here's a little anecdote for you. And I'm telling you this partly because it applies, and partly because I like being able to use the word 'anecdote'. There's this guy who I met over the summer. He doesn't remember the first time we met because he was drinking and also it was a very brief encounter. However, we have a couple of mutual friends so just a few days later we again wound up in the same place at the same time. He mentioned to his friend that he was interested in me, we exchanged numbers, texted a little bit, and that was it. Since then, we bump into each other all the time. Sometimes we flirt, sometimes we kiss, sometimes (but very rarely) we ignore each other except for a quick "Hey, how are ya". Here's the thing though: The ball is always in his court.
I always act the same around him. I'm friendly, but not all over him even though he knows I'm intrigued. He, however, is the kind of guy who will come up to you, tell you you're gorgeous and he wants you to meet his mom, then before you have a chance to respond he has darted out the door, not to be heard from again until the next time you bump into each other in the same little dive bar that you both frequent. This next meeting is a bit of a wildcard. Either he steers clear of you with the exception of a quick nod hello from the across the room, or he comes up and whispers in your ear "Let's go outside", where he proceeds to grab you and pull you towards him, kissing you like you've never been kissed before.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that in the same breath, this guy has told me that he's not interested in a relationship and he wouldn't want to hurt me... but he wants to introduce me to his family and that I would make a great girlfriend. He even went so far as to say,
"I just want to lie next to you and hold you...tell you all the things you want to hear." (insert pause and look of panic and realization on his face here) "But, you know, not bullshit you."
Uh huh. Sure. Nice try cowboy.
Here's where this ties in though. Everything that he was saying to me, everything that he always says to me, are all things a girl wants to hear. And we want to believe it. But nowadays, we just don't. A couple years ago? Sure. I would have eaten up every word and smiled as each spoken promise tumbled down into a warm little spot in my belly. But the fact of the matter is, in at least the past year, every single guy that has ever said anything to me, no matter how sincere, I haven't bought it. Literally, every single guy. If you have a penis and you've talked to me in the past 12 months, no matter how much I smiled and nodded at everything you said, in my head all I heard was "bullshit bullshit bullshit".
And that kinda sucks, doesn't it?
Sometimes I wish I was one of the girls that can just let herself give someone the benefit of the doubt. And I know a lot of my friends feel the same way. But when guy after guy after guy turns out to do the same exact thing- promise you A, B, and C, and then just up and run- you can't blame us for our mindset.
It reminds me of something my friend Cristin said to me the other day. It was actually in reference to a conversation we were having about fidelity, but it applies here too. She said,
"As a society, we're in love with love and we're in love with work. But no one's in love with working at love."
Whether you're a guy, girl, gay, straight, or a little bit of A, a little bit of B, there's a part of all of us that wants to be in love. This is just a fact. But something has happened that we feel like we need to say and believe certain things in order to easily and quickly convince someone that we could love one day. Even if that day is ten years from now. Even if you're just stringing together vowels and consonants so someone will like you enough to climb in your bed for a couple hours.
God I sound cynical. Here I am, bashing the entire idea of love when I myself have felt true love fiercely and wholeheartedly. Twice for christs sakes. But right now I'm bitter and tired of dating and it's my blog so I'm gonna keep going. However, if you are in love and have found someone who doesn't string you along and is honest with you, mazel tov :)
I suppose my bottom line is this: Just be honest. If you don't want a relationship, that's fine. If you tell someone you want to wake up next to them because you truly do want to wake up next to them, that's amazing. Let's just cut out all of this bullshit that makes guys look like dogs and girls look like airheads. It's getting old.
