Do You Kiss Your Mama With That Mouth??

Ok, so I know that when it comes to sex, everything has to do with preference. What one person loves is what another person despises. I also realize that you can like something occasionally, but not all the time. Example?

Dirty Talk.

Now, I understand that if you're having low-down, rough, sweaty sex with someone, dirty talk makes total sense. Call us a stupid bitch, a filthy slut, a nasty whore. Ask us what we want yet do what you like anyway. Tell us you're going to [insert preferred demeaning word for sex here] us until we [again, fill in your favorite ejaculation slang]. Pull our hair, smack our ass, blah blah blah. You know how Halloween is the one night a year that a girl can walk around dressed like a prostitute/doctor hybrid and it's totally ok? Well that certain kind of slam-me-against-a-wall-and-rip-off-my-clothes sex is the Halloween of dirty talk.

9 times out of 10 (and again, I'm just going off the majority of girls I know), if we're just having regular old sex, talking dirty to us is uncomfortable. We tend to just smile and nod, let out a little "yeah", "uh-huh", or "uhhh, sure". Secretly, we're trying not to laugh. Seriously, what are we supposed to do when out of nowhere we hear, "Yeah, you like that baby? You like that? Right there? Do you? Huh? Do you?!" What are we supposed to say? "Actually, I suppose I can tolerate what you're doing for the time being, but if we're being honest, I would prefer it if you would kindly move slightly to the left and shut the hell up."

Let me allow all you men in on a little secret. When girls have sex, they have to concentrate in order to get off. We don't have the luxury of having a magical skin wand that feels amazing as soon as it simply touches a lady bit. There's a lot going on down there for us and if you want us to actually have an orgasm and not fake it then maybe you should pay attention and realize that right before we're about to have fireworks go off in our heads, we get very, very quiet. That's us trying not to lose it ("It" being the orgasm). So please don't ruin perfectly good sex by asking us if it "feels so good" and if we like your P in our V. We're busy imagining our favorite celebrity girl crush so we can reach our happy place.

Now, I feel like I end up giving the same disclaimer in all my blog entries about how this is just my opinion and it's not always the case and even I disagree with myself sometimes. In this case, this still applies. All I'm saying is, for the most part, talking dirty to a girl is not the everyday, run-of-the-mill way to get her off. However- and this is where me disagreeing with myself kicks in- it can be pretty fuckin hot and actually help in the process. So I guess I just kinda bashed my whole theory... Crap, now I've gone and lost my literary boner. Bummer.

Give Me An S! Give Me An L! Give Me A U! Give Me A T! What Does That Spell???

Here's a question for you: Just how many people does a girl have to sleep with for her to be considered a slut? And is it the number, or is it the way she carries herself?

Let's say a girl has only slept with 2 dudes in her life, but she has blown the entire tri-state area. I would consider her more of a trampy tramp than some chick who has slept with 10 people over the course of many years, but all of those 10 people have been steady boyfriends and the aforementioned girl doesn't just hand out bj's like it's National Suck Off A Stranger Day.

I'm not going to go into the whole double standard issue where feminists that don't shave their armpits and probably never get laid anyway bitch about how when guys have a lot of sex they're praised and when girls do it they're looked down on. Frankly, I don't give a shit. In my opinion, people can do whatever they want as long as they're not spreading around STD's and making more whiny, sticky, little kids.

I was once dating a guy for awhile, and we made a point to never tell each other our "numbers". Then, one night, over a year into our relationship, we revealed our numbers for some stupid, terrible, awful reason. Once he found out that I was more, let's say, "worldly" than him, he didn't look at me the same and our sex life changed. We broke up shortly thereafter. Now, I've been with guys who have known their exact number, and guys who have tried counting and then given up and said "I don't know. A lot." Neither of these situations bother me. Because here's the thing. I think that once you reach the age my friends and I are at now, sex becomes pretty straightforward. We'll let you know if we're exclusively sleeping with you or if we're just using you for sex, just like you're using us. Either way, it doesn't fucking matter what your number is. I straight out ask guys if they have anything they could give me and my nether regions, and (this is assuming they're not lying cause that would just be messed up and terrible) the way I feel about the whole thing is that as long as we're all cleared in that area, I don't care how many other people you've slept with, cause guess what? I'm not exactly a nun.

Here's my bottom line. Guys and girls can sleep with as many people they want. It doesn't make you a bad person if you have slept with a hundred people, and it doesn't make you an angel if you've only slept with one. It's how you carry yourself and, as much as I hate to sound like a health class, it's about being smart and not being shocked if you get knocked up after letting some guy shoot his load in you the week before your period when you're not on the pill.

Sex feels good and chicks like it just as much as the fellas. Actually, you know what? I shouldn't be trying to defend girls towards guys. I should be defending girls towards other girls. Ladies, if I want to get laid, I'm gonna get laid. So don't judge sweetheart, you know you're doing the same exact thing as soon as no one's looking :)

The Four Seasons Of Doing The Dirty

Fucking In The Fall:

Weather-wise, this is probably the best season to get it on. It's not freezing yet, so you can keep the windows open and get an awesome breeze while you and your partner make your own body heat. Plus, there's something undeniably romantic about fall colors. As soon as those leaves start fading to brilliant reds and golds, you have to admit that all you want to do is throw on a sweater and cuddle up with someone under a blanket. There's no rain to make you miserable and no snow to make you angry, it's the perfect temperature outside to get close inside.

Wanking In The Winter:

Once you graduate high school and snow days are a thing of the past, there is absolutely nothing good about those inconvenient little white flakes intruding all over the place. They dump down on our cars and walkways and make traveling a nightmare. Therefore there is nothing else to do but stay in and try and keep you and your special buddy both busy and warm. So you put down your hot chocolate and turn down the fire. You grab your luva by the hand and lead them into the bedroom. You start kissing and fall into bed and start taking off each other's clothes. This is where things go downhill. The second your shirt comes off, you realize that it's 30 freakin degrees outside. Then your pants come off and, for girls, you get the unsexy experience of feeling every single one of your freshly shaved leg hairs poke back out through your skin, creating a type of jagged weapon against your guy's unsuspecting legs. You search for warmth under the blanket, but then the guy starts complaining because he can't breath when he's going down on you with a comforter over his head. Then whoever is on top is either freezing cause the blanket slipped off, or sweating their ass off because they're doing all the work and they need some air god dammit! So yeah, everything about the winter is a big old cock block.

Spanking In The Spring:

Spring is similar to Fall, in where it's between the two extreme seasons. After suffering through the long, cold winter, everyone is ecstatic that it is finally getting warm again and suddenly, everyone becomes attractive. So you and whoever is closest start to kiss and make the necessary steps towards putting some P in some V. Everything is going great until someone sneezes. Then the other person realizes that their eyes are watering. Then you both start wheezing and itching every inch of your body. Allergies have officially ruined your hard-on.

Sexing In The Summer:

It's hot. It's sticky. It's muggy and buggy. It's perfect. Well, this is just my personal opinion. I happen to be someone who enjoys summer sex, but for the sake of argument I will look at both the pros and the cons. One pro is that this is the season that people are wearing the least amount of clothes. Girls are wearing tiny little dresses and guys are sweating through their t-shirts. Everyone is in string bikinis and board shorts, soaking wet from the pool and ocean. Another pro is that if we're already sweaty, why not get more sweaty? Of course, this could be a con for some people. There are definitely times when you're in the middle of having sex and you realize it's just too damn hot and if your boyfriend even comes close to touching you, you swear to god you will ball tap him so hard his head will spin. But I still maintain that summer is the best season to have sex. It's just, well, sexy.